My interest in mothers and daughters peaked in 1991when my mother died. My mother and I had had a difficult relationship and I thought that I would experience relief after her death, but instead to my surprise, I felt lost. I wanted to understand more about how my relationship with my mother had influenced my relationships with others.
I eventually realized that our relationship had always been about her. I had never gotten to know “me”, mostly because I had always been too busy reacting to her. I always wanted her to feel as distressed about our relationship as I was, so that maybe she would change. She never did. It was I who was left to work at accepting and appreciating my mother as the person she was, rather than just being upset at her because she couldn’t be the mother I wanted her to be.
I never took the time to look at how I treated my children and myself. When I did, I realized to my horror that I was continuing where she left off, being just as emotionally unavailable and neglectful to myself and my children as she had been. I finally had to acknowledge that I was the one who needed to change. I felt grateful to realize that my life could be different if I acted on my distress to change how I treated myself and the people I love before I, too, ran out of time.
My workshop and book “Healing the Unmothered Child” are based on my work with clients as well as the experiences from my own journey with my mother to change my relationship with myself as well as with my own daughter and sons.
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